Topic: untitled so far

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Posted at September 26, 2016, 1:57 pm:

really could do with some help on this. so any constructive crits are appreciated! its not finished either. i only have one verse here, but i'd like to extend it and make into a full song as i have a nice chord pattern in mind.. again - any help appreciated. thanks.

Untitled

A year since almost kisses;
three hundred and sixty five thoughts
of how it could be.
More amazing
than I ever imagined possible,
more shivers down my spine
than I ever thought I could feel.

Flourescent explosions in the black sky,
like a scene from a film
where new lovers kiss;
stumbling through their conscience
to find eachothers lips.

Original of the message was taken from http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/

Replies:

Hmmm.

i really like the opening line.

I like the first line.

A year since almost kisses; three hundred and sixty five thoughts of h...

Never use "amazing" in poetry! It's over-used beyond belief.

I think 'shivers down my spine' has been used a few times before.

firstly, thanks guys for taking the time to crit this.

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