Topic: first song attempt

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Posted at June 28, 2016, 2:14 pm:

hey i was wondering if some people would be willing to critique me on this song. Its kind of nirvana esque sounding if that give any help.

Verse 1:
Poor Lady lost her baby last night,
and she cried all about her life.
Saying what life coulda been,
she'll never be the same again.
Her whole world was crumbling all around,
now it finally came crashing down.

Pre-chrous:
She ran away
to a place
she had never been before.
Running from
the pain
she thought would never go awayy-

Chrous:
Away to heaven sweet,
where she'll be free
not spent.

Verse 2:
Poor Lady out on the streets,
ruined by all those crooks and cheats.
Sayin they got a way to solve
All her problems she just couldn't resolve
Passer-byes couldn't give a cent,
To a bitch who already came and went

Pre-chorus

Chorus

Verse 3:
Poor Lady in a hospital bed
Look at her, shes almost dead.
Doctors runnin, cryin out her name
I'm sure theres someone to blame
Just wait another day,
and She'll finally slip away

Pre-chorus

Chorus.

Thanks for the help.

Original of the message was taken from http://www.sputnikmusic.com/forums/

Replies:

The verses were quite good, and the first one was the best out of all ...

Overall, this is a cohesive song with a clear story line and a familia...

A few lines in the poem sounded a bit awkward to me.

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